75: Meeting Expectations with Intentionality

Episode 75-Intentionality Meets Expectations.mp3

[00:00:09] You're listening to the Time to Level Up podcast. I'm your host business life coach, Andrea Libros. I help women in business commit to their own growth personally and professionally. Each week, I'll bring you strategies to help you think clearly. Gain confidence. Make your time productive. Turn every obstacle into an opportunity. And finally overcome the overwhelm so that you can make money and manage life. Let's create a plan so you have a profitable business, successful career, and best of all, live with unapologetic ambition. Are you ready to drop the drama and figure out the how in order to reach your goals? You're in the right place. It's time to level up. Let's do this. Okay, my friends, welcome back to the podcast. I am so happy to have you here. I am coming off of an amazing week. Last week I had 20 amazing women from across the country in Carmel, Indiana.

[00:01:29] For.

[00:01:30] Achieve more due less. We did.

[00:01:32] It.

[00:01:33] And from all accounts it was a success. From my perspective, I felt it was, and I think they felt it was a success, too. And I'm actually going to take a minute to read to you just a little bit of.

[00:01:49] What.

[00:01:50] Some of the attendees said in a kind of a text stream that we had going after the event. It just to me, some of these things that they said.

[00:02:04] I.

[00:02:05] Can't say them any better. And actually a lot of times I feel like how my clients actually say things or word.

[00:02:15] Things.

[00:02:16] Is way better than I could ever come up with on my own. And I think the reason for that is that they're using their own words, and it's really just coming from a place of not being.

[00:02:27] Too.

[00:02:28] Deeply thought out. You know, sometimes when we try to, like really deeply think about something, it just doesn't.

[00:02:35] We.

[00:02:35] Don't say it in the right way. But here's what some of them said. It was a valuable day. Thank you for the inspiration. It was just the boost. I needed to tackle some major projects for my family. Next one I feel so refreshed and ready to tackle my Friday. Thank you so much. It was so wonderful meeting these women. Here's the next one. I feel reinvigorated. Thanks for the thoughtful and fun event. Great to meet this group of amazing women. And here's another one. Thank you, Andrea, for creating the space for us to gather together to learn, plus be inspired by your insightful, easy and fun coaching methodology. It was lovely to meet amazing bad ass women. I am blown away knowing I met in person so many new role models. So those kinds of words, I really can't come up with myself and that's why I love sharing them with you, because maybe you can relate to some of them. How I say things isn't always the best, nor does it resonate with everyone. So happy to share that with you. And what we're talking about today in the podcast actually is is inspired by what went on last week because a lot of what I did last week.

[00:03:47] Was.

[00:03:48] Talk about planning, right? Anticipating the future and to continue on with what we're talking about this month. We tend to experience what we expect. This ties right into that. So a lot of those women left with intentionality, they intend to do something and they want to create something. But here's the thing. Sometimes our expectations of ourselves or what we think others expect of us get in the way of us being intentional. So first, let's just talk about exercising intentionality. And here's what I want you to keep in mind. I love the word intentionality because I love the idea or the concept behind it, which really allows us to maximize our brains and our brain power, intentionality. It allows us to use all the functions that we have in our brain that happen just without us having to direct it. You know, our brain just works without us having to direct it a lot of times without us even having to pay attention to what is happening. And we're not even really able to describe and I've tried this or put our finger on what's going on sometimes, but our brain seems to wrestle with whatever is going on and get us through it and figure out how to best get us through it. When we have intentionality, it's kind of like I like to picture the brain. It's a little mini computer, right. And it figures out how to make what you want. What you're intentional about. And what you're thinking about and wanting to create it makes it actually all happen. Imagine before there were computers. All we had was our brain power, right? That was where everything was coming from.

[00:05:51] All of our creation, anything that happened came from our brain. And you can make an argument that that's still the case. I think it is still the case. We have more tools now for us ourselves to rely on external things, but in reality, we have to be intentional in creating whatever we want in our brain usually is up for the challenge. So this really works in both the physical aspect of our lives and the mental aspects. So for example, I went to Solid Core, which is kind of a very loud version of Pilates with my daughter. She likes going to solid core and I don't really go to Solid Core too often. She goes all the time. So to me this is really hard in a multitude of ways. But when we're in solid core, the instructor is telling us all the things we should be doing, where we should put our feet, where we arm should be, where our weight should be distributed, how wide our stance should be. And to me, even though I've been there a couple of times, to me this still is all new. So I was intently listening to the instructions and my brain went to work trying to make it all happen. And every time I did something, my brain was calculating all the little nuances of what was happening. So the next time I did it, I did it even better. Maybe it was the fact that I pushed the carriage of the reformer out too far and my brain recognized that. So next time it told my leg to not push out that far, maybe my brain noticed that the weight I was picked up from underneath the carriage to do bicep curls was too much.

[00:07:37] And it told me to pick up a lighter weight. Right? So that's my brain doing its job. In calculating and looking at all the things that are going on and kind of spitting out what it thinks is the next best step. So sometimes when I say What's the next best step, we really just have to go to our brains to figure out what the next best step is. Right now, a lot of times that takes some work. We really like digging in there and that's where lots of great questions help us. But our brain usually knows what the next best step is. It's our job just to excavate it with some intentionality. So. Back to Solid Core. I was being intentional in wanting to do the move and my brain figured out the how. But remember, your brain and body are working together to try to make your muscles work the right way and to try to get you to balance in the right way and to try to make everything line up so you can achieve the goal that you're trying to reach. That, my friends, is intentionality. So what happens is that we go through life and sometimes we lose intentionality around things. And I think this is sometimes because we just get overwhelmed or discouraged and we think, I don't really want to try to do this thing. It's too hard. Or we start believing that maybe we can't do it, or maybe it's not possible for us and we move into a victim place or a self pity.

[00:09:06] Place, or there's.

[00:09:08] All the kinds of reasons why we lose intentionality around things. We start doing things for the wrong reason when we lose intentionality around things right. And sometimes we start to do things just to check the box. And I think when a lot of the attendees entered the room last week for achieve more, do less, they sensed that they were not being as intentional as they could be. Right. They sensed that maybe they weren't even taking the time to be intentional as they went throughout their day and week and month. And they realized they were not doing things because they might have been feeling like a victim or they couldn't do it. They were in a place of kind of, woe is me. But by the end of the day, I think we had intentionality, even though I never really used that word too much, but intentionality at the top or forefront of our minds, because intentionality is where we align with our inner wisdom. I believe that it's our higher power directing us. Our higher power is able to direct us when we are intentional. But and it's also one of the amazing ways in which our brain and body are created to work together to get us the result that we want. Right. Our brain and body work together to get us the result we want. We can't neglect one brain or body in wanting a result. We have to look at both. Okay. Now, the reason I am bringing this up today in today's podcast and the way I want to speak about it today is, is because sometimes we just take things really literally and we don't go internally.

[00:11:03] We don't allow our amazing brain and the nuances that it notices to help us achieve our goals. We do way, way, way too much, relying on other people, telling us what to do and not enough, relying on our own internal wisdom. And we also can take things super literally, which then doesn't allow our brains to go to work either. So I want to encourage you to notice when that's happening and to ask yourself, what's the intention behind? What someone might be directing me to do or suggesting I do, and how do I take that and then interpret it in a way that serves me best in my life? How do I have intentionality around it? So for example, I shared with them lots of ways in which to use the full focus planner and you can find a link to that if you want to on my website under my favorite things. But they do not have to use every aspect of that full focus planner, right? They don't have to take every direction that was given and follow it through in order to get the result they want. They just have to be intentional about using it and it's your brain is going to figure out what works for you and what doesn't. So I often see when I'm coaching clients where they're wanting someone to tell them what to do.

[00:12:31] I don't tell them what to do. I ask them questions and help them notice what's going on in their own brain. I guide them to come up with solutions to their own problems and they learn how to use all of that. To become more intentional in creating the life they want. So your brain takes information and it synthesizes it so that it best works for you. When you are intentional. Now lots of things can get in the way. Like I mentioned of intentionality. Last week we discussed planning for consistency. Okay. And sometimes we let things get in the way of our US being consistent. Today we're going to talk about the things that can get in the way of us being intentional. And I'm going to take this from the angle of our own expectations can get in the way and the expectations of others or the perceived expectations of others can get in the way. All right. So here's an example. When we have the intentions of creating something or changing something or wanting to do something. We have the expectation that others should come right along beside us and support us, and they should act in a certain way and do something. Often we freak out and we stop our own selves and we have expectations of others that are not being met. Now, this often happens with a spouse or a partner or a family member or even a boss. If we. Sense or perceive them not being on board with what we're doing.

[00:14:17] Then our intentions oftentimes go out the window. So here's the problem. It's not useful for us to have expectations of what other people should be doing as it relates to our intentions or what we want to do. I often call this We have a manual for what our partners should be doing. When we are trying to be intentional, we think they should be cheering you on. We think we think they should be helping us make this quest easy. Okay. We also think that they should be doing this while doing all the other things we want them to be doing. They should be kind and patient. They should take out the garbage they support. Support the family. Write that list that many of us wrote when we were young girls is not useful because what we do is we use that as a reason to disconnect with that person and become stalled out in our own quests, our own intentions. We use it as a reason to judge, to become frustrated, to think that someone else is doing the role of support or wrong. Okay. And their expectations of us. Can no longer be met. So we might as well just throw in the towel. Okay. It can be a reason to stop going after our own intentions and efforts, and we actually can drive distance between us and the other person. And in reaching our goals. Because no one is probably going to.

[00:16:04] Meet.

[00:16:05] Our expectations of how they should be acting. They're not following my manual for how they should be acting. And I will throw in there that it's really hard for them. Two, it's really hard for us to meet their expectations of us based off of their their manual OC. So it's not really helpful to use any type of expectations to get in our way when we are being intentional in creating something. So, okay, so what do we what do we do about it? Well, it sounds really easy. And you just say, well, don't pay any attention. Don't expect expect anything from that other person and don't don't expect anything from yourself. Right. It's like when people don't want to write down their goals because then they feel like it's they're going to disappoint themselves. But here's the newsflash. If we have intentionality behind what we're doing. What if we just loved the person that was there alongside us, whether they're cheering us along or not? What if we just loved ourselves as we went through the process? Okay. You've got to respect yourself first and foremost before you can do anything. And the work, an understanding that we can't control other people, that we might have manuals for them, that they might have manuals for us, that work is absolutely necessary in order for you to actually do what you want to do. Now again. Sometimes. We think, Oh, well, we're just going to wait it out. We're going to.

[00:17:54] Wait.

[00:17:55] Until that other person changes or until we ourselves change. All right, we're going to wait. We're going to put that that puts the onus. On them, not on us.

[00:18:11] Okay.

[00:18:11] I think the onus needs to be on who we want to be and what we want to do. But again, that can seem daunting. So sometimes we look to these other people to come along with us. But if we don't do that. Then don't go. Actually, if we don't kind of follow through with our own mission, where using our expectations of how other people should be as a reason to not be intentional with what we want to do. Yeah. So. Another piece of advice that I give out sometimes is that just allow yourself to do more of what you want, to honor your desires and.

[00:18:57] Less.

[00:18:58] Of what you think you should be doing. Now, for a lot of people, I think that's a powerful way to explore being a better version of you, to allow yourself to do more of what you want to do, to honor your desires and less of what you think you should be doing. But if you stop allowing yourself to. Not only. Do what you think you should be doing. You're really then? In into a version of people pleasing and delegating our own agency or in our own intentionality to people in events outside of us. And we're taking back all of the ownership over our own intentionality, our own agency, our own decision power on who we want to be. And that doesn't get us where we want to be. Right. But here's the thing. Honoring the version of ourselves that does have desires sometimes is a lot scarier than people pleasing. Okay. Another thing I often talk about is time management, and I teach you to create a schedule and follow your schedule, even if you don't want to. Okay to decide, at least in certain parts of your life. Maybe it's with your whole day, or maybe it's with just certain parts of your day where you're scheduled out. That I'm not going to do it from time to time. I'm going to do something different. That's okay, because you've done that with intentionality. But when you become sloppy or feel unfocused or lazy with planning time and sticking to our schedules, you can come back to use intentionality to get you on track.

[00:20:45] So intentionality can be. I'm intentionally not following the schedule, but it also can be I'm intentionally getting myself back on a schedule. Okay. Here's another thing, another concept that I sometimes teach which can tie into this intentionality and expectation concept. I often say that B-minus work. That's turned in is better than A-plus work that never gets turned in. And what if we were just okay with B-minus work? What if we decided it was just good enough and we don't slow ourselves down? Seeking perfectionism. Everything. Doesn't have to be B-minus work. I want you to know that you can strive and have the expectation of a. Okay. Of the a plus work. All right. But I think if we just go for the B minus, we're going to get done a lot more in our lives. We're going to move on. We're going to feel more fulfilled. We're going to experience more experiences. So perhaps your intention should be for the B-minus work. I think there's places where the intention for the A is warranted. Okay. But be intentional with what you're going for in terms of an A. Okay. Here's another concept where sometimes intentionality and expectations come into play. Oftentimes I say you're already amazing at what you're doing.

[00:22:15] You're already an amazing mother. You're already an amazing manager in so many of you are so hard on yourselves and your expectations are setting you up for failure. And I'm hard on myself too. Sometimes we all are. But if you're walking around thinking that you need to be a better mother or a better manager, then sometimes. You just decide that you might as well throw your hands up and give up. And that's not at all what I'm talking about. Okay. I'm just saying that you don't need to be better than any better than you already are. So intentionality in how it intersects with expectations. I am all for us having those kinds of conversations with ourselves, but so many times we actually take that and we use it against ourselves to keep ourselves stuck in a trap. So it's almost like there's this point of diminishing returns where, yes, I want to assess myself, I want to notice areas I can do better, but as soon as I use that to shame myself or guilt myself or beat myself up, then I'm going to stay stuck in the negative spin. So the irony is, when you really embrace that, you're already a great mother. You're already as good of a mother as you ever need to be to start feeling better. Which makes it all easier to do all the things that we do as mothers.

[00:23:44] And so we actually do become better mothers, which is ironic. We let go of the thinking that we should of our expectations. And when we do that, that's when we do. Okay. So here's the last example I want to give you of the intersection of intentionality and expectations. I talk also a lot about negative emotion, not just allowing it, but learning how to process it and knowing that it's not a problem and that nothing really has gone wrong. And as human beings, right, it's part of the human experience. We're supposed to experience negative emotion. We're going to and I'm not trying to turn anyone into a robot who never experiences negative emotion. I'm not trying to say negative emotion equals nothing's gone wrong. I'm not saying that because we can have a negative emotion when things actually do go wrong. But what I'm saying is we're just human. Okay. Just like a movement on the reformer that wasn't so great at solid core. In my brain, got rid of it and told me how to improve upon it. A negative emotion might be something that's not so great and that you don't want to keep, but you need to allow your brain to recalibrate. It has the ability to recalibrate. The thought that you do want to keep so that you create a different feeling which allows you to take action to get closer to your goal.

[00:25:16] Okay. So you've got to allow your brain the opportunity to recalibrate from negative emotion. And you can decide if this is negative emotion you want to keep or not. But thinking that it's going to go away with the drop of a hat is not giving your brain the space it needs to recalibrate. So others expectations in our own expectations can get in the way of being intentional, but only if you allow them to in the tools that we can use to combat this. All these tools there within the work that I like to call thought work, which is directing our brains, being intentional, using our own agency, having power over ourselves to make decisions. This is all the kind of work we do in coaching. Coaching is a lot about being intentional, but then following through on the intentionality. So as we continue our discussion this month of what we tend to experience is what we expect. I want you to change out. Expect to intend what we experience is what we intend to experience if we don't let our expectations get in the way. This is the kind of work we do. My friends inside our coaching container of committed to growth. And if you don't have a life coach, I would be honored to be your coach. We will address your challenges. We can work together on your goals, and we can do it in so many different ways.

[00:27:01] We can do it in group. We can do it one on one, we can do it online. So when you're really ready to do this work of moving away from expectations and into intentionality, I am here for you. All right. That's what I have for you this week. Go out and be intentional. And I will see you right back here next week. And if you know someone that can benefit from this podcast, please share it with them. It's really easy to share podcasts from your phone or share it with them via social media or in an email. Share it. Be intentional with the world you want to create in the world you want to create. It has a lot to do with the people in it. So do yourself a favor. Do me a favor. Do the world of favor and be intentional. And share this episode with just one person. I will see you all next week. Have a great day. Thanks for listening to the Time to Level Up podcast with me, your host, Andrea Libros. If you know someone who could benefit from listening to this episode, I encourage you to take a screenshot and share it with them. Okay, now what about you? You listen to the podcast and if you now know that you're ready to upgrade your life, upgrade your.

[00:28:35] Business.

[00:28:37] Upgrade you, then stop being only a listener and start being a liver living that upgraded life. Head over to my website and schedule a call right there on that call. We'll start changing the way you think and act so that you can have the freedom to achieve the impossible in life and.

[00:28:59] Business.

[00:29:00] And have the resources to do it. You deserve an upgrade. Let's do it.