50: Regaining Control of Your Life When You Can’t Catch a Break

Andrea Liebross |

www.andrealiebross.com |

Episode 50

Speaker1: [00:00:09] You're listening to the Time to Level Up podcast. I'm your host, business life coach Andrea Libros. I help women in business commit to their own growth personally and professionally. Each week, I'll bring you strategies to help you think clearly gain confidence. Make your time productive. Turn every obstacle into an opportunity. And finally overcome the overwhelm so that you can make money and manage life. Let's create a plan so you have a profitable business, successful career. And best of all. Live with unapologetic ambition. Are you ready to drop the drama and figure out the how in order to reach your goals? You're in the right place. It's time to level up.

[00:00:57] Let's do this.

Speaker1: [00:01:09] Hey, time to level up, listeners, welcome back to the podcast episode 50. Can you believe it? I have not recorded a solo episode in a while, so I'm excited to do this today. I tend to batch my episodes and that means that I record a couple at a time, so I haven't recorded one a while and I am back in my closet in the basement recording just like I usually do when I do these solo episodes. So before we get started, I just wanted to mention that on November 2nd, I am hosting a free master class called I've Got This. And in that class, it's going to be 30 minutes, over three days, three, 30 minute segments. Yes, the replay is available. We're going to talk about how do we acquire that confidence, that feeling of I've got this so that nothing can really push us off track. We can stay on track moving forward towards our goals or keeping our routines, whatever it is. How do we get that feeling? I've got this, so I hope you join me to register. You can go to Andrea Libros Bagot. This and the link will also be in the show notes. Ok, so today's topic, which kind of has to do with the I've got this theme is one which I have come up with after talking to a lot of prospective clients. And when I talk to prospective clients, sometimes one of the things they say is I just can't seem to catch a break.

Speaker1: [00:03:13] And in this land of COVID that we're living in this I just can't catch a break is a theme, I think, but it's also a theme in any time in life. I also read over the weekend in New York Times article that was titled What to Do When You Can't Catch a Break, which really made me decide that this is what I needed to record this week. So I'm going to share with you both some of my own thinking, and I'm going to intersperse it with some of the thinking from this article that was in the New York Times. All right, so we've all had one of those weeks when the car breaks down, when potentially you feel like there is trouble at work when you spill red wine on your expensive jacket, when a family member gets sick? Right. We've all experienced that. And sometimes those weeks can turn into months, or sometimes we'd think about them. They've been lasting for years. And then you start to wonder. If the universe is out to get you. And I would say this year or this past 18 months potentially has been one of those weeks on a giant scale. So in this article, they actually address this in a researcher by the name of Sheldon Solomon said the sad truth is that the pandemic and all of the upheaval it's caused is nothing compared to what's going to be happening in the next decade in terms of weather events.

Speaker1: [00:05:01] Ok, so I had to stop and giggle a little bit. Usually. My clients are not super worried about weather events unless you live in Louisiana or California, where I do have people living there. North Carolina sometimes gets hurricanes, but a lot of times we are not thinking about this in terms of weather events. But it but really, when you think about it, think about how those hurricanes keep washing ashore. Week after week. All right, but now what do you do about it? So. This concept of not being able to catch a break is really driven by our primal fears, you know, those fears that I call the motivational triad when we want things to be safe and easy and efficient so we can stay alive. And when bad things happen, especially when those things seem kind of random or meaningless or out of our control, we sense we crave that sense of understanding and ultimately control, right? We want to understand which is part of the reason we talk about it. With other people, because we want to gain or garner some acknowledgments from approval, we want someone to commiserate with. Right? Don't we always want people to commiserate with? And by finding that commiserating it helps us kind of, we think, create a sense of understanding and control. All right, but.

Speaker1: [00:06:45] Think about this when if a family member has an illness, OK, and this has just recently happened to me with my mom, we figured out or we had some doctor tell us that she had a specific diagnosis, and then I went into research mode, right? I researched treatments. I looked for doctors. I joined some Facebook groups about it and. Why did I do that, there's very practical reasons, but there also are reasons where it helped me feel productive, like I was doing something about it, right? It gave me a sense of control over the outcome and it tried. It was serving a purpose in the sense that I wanted to change something outside of me, so to speak. Or so I thought. And I wanted to find some way to control what was outside of me. However, even when. We think we can be in control, we really can't because control. I hate to tell you this. Is a feeling and it's kind of an illusion. But when we feel in control, we feel better. Right. So think about this, go back to that motivational triad. Everything we do is because we want to feel a certain way or not feel a certain way. It's kind of very primal. All right, and when a series of I can't catch a break events, when these unfortunate events, when they seem unrelenting, we lose that sense of control and we find ourselves stuck in the downward spiral, a little tornado.

Speaker1: [00:08:32] Speaking of weather of negativity. Ok. So when we don't know what's going to happen, we can get stuck and we can go into a loop, and then what happens is we start to think that everything is negative or everything is going wrong. All right. And we start to become. We kind of we abandon all positivity or all control. Ok, so what do we do again, what do we do? We need a way to process these things, and that, my friends, brings me to my favorite tool. The model? Ok, so this is tactic number one. And if you haven't listened to any of my episodes about the model, I encourage you to download the podcast roadmap. Andrea Librescu Backslash Podcast Roadmap because it will direct you to episodes about that model. My number one tool, which really is a way of processing our negative and positive experiences, and it helps us sort through what's happening and what we're feeling in a very, very systematic and formulaic way. Ok, but think about this not only is the model of formula. It's also driving us and giving us an empowered mind and showing us that we actually have options on what we think. And we don't necessarily have to think we can't catch a break. So back to my New York Times article, so these researchers went on to do more experiments where they asked people to look at things as if they were an outsider, which I think is kind of the same thing or the same type of tactic is when I ask my clients to eavesdrop in on their own brain or observe their thoughts.

Speaker1: [00:10:37] Ok. So when they did this experiment, some of the subjects were told to remember a certain experience through their own perspective. So they were fully immersing themselves in their negative emotions, while others were told to remember the event objectively using what these researchers called self distancing, which is really like you imagining the situation as if you were an observer or a friend looking over the situation. Ok, now this is like using the model, because when we use the model, it helps us look in or observe as if we were. A friend or as if we were an outsider and when we do that, it's really easy to weigh in objectively on a situation with really without getting sucked in emotionally. Ok, but when we're so immersed in the situation, when we're stuck on our own peanut butter jar, when we're zoomed in so tightly, it's really hard to have that big picture perspective. Right. Think about it when your friend shares with you a situation or your spouse shares with you a situation, it's really easy for you to give them the solution. It just seems obvious because you're the outsider, but it's really hard when we are the one in the situation.

Speaker1: [00:12:06] Ok, when we're in the peanut butter jar, we can't read the label, which is really why coaching is such a valuable tool. Ok, and why using tools like the model is really effective. Hey, time to level up listeners on November 2nd, 3rd and 4th, I will be holding a free masterclass. The I've got this master class will meet for 30 minutes each day. And yes, the replay is available to talk about how you can stop feeling like you're in a game of dodgeball where things are always being thrown at you. Where boom, there's another whammy sick kid dogs vomiting boss change the deadline covid. All the things. Learn how to adopt the mindset of I've got this. Go to W-w-what Andrea Bagot this to register. See you on November 2nd. Now, recently, I recorded an episode with my client, Beanie Klein. It's actually going to be the episode after this episode fifty one. But thinking back, OK, the episodes with Veronica Tubs, which was 47 with Sherry, which was 39. They all brought out the fact or all made the point that looking at their situation from the outside or having someone look at it from the outside. Made all the difference. Ok, so these researchers, just like I've found, found that when people used the self distancing or observation technique, their stress levels and their physical health improved and they were better able to solve problems and resolve conflicts.

Speaker1: [00:14:09] All right, so this is kind of like the fact. When one spoke of your wheel, and if you haven't listened to episode forty seven about the wheel, go listen. When one spoke of your wheel of life is cut short, the whole ride gets really bumpy and the other spokes start getting worn down, which is why it is hard to have the kind of I got this type of belief system, or even to believe that it's possible to upgrade or up level your thinking in general. Ok. So another way to think about this observation technique. Is when we want to wait. Ok. When we we are really waiting, when I say I'm going to wait and see how it goes. We are waiting for negativity or stress to pass in one area of our life and we think then once we wait and it passes and only then will we be ready to tackle everything else. How many times have you said I'm going to wait to make the decision or I'm going to wait to start this because something else that's stressful is going on in your life. But if we look at life as an outsider, as the observer, we know that when one area cleans up or when the stress goes away from one thing, there's going to be another one waiting in the wings. So really, there is no sense in not addressing any area of life or anything that you're seeking change in right now, because if you do and you elevate that area of life.

Speaker1: [00:15:59] It's only bound or you're only bound to elevate all the rest. Ok, so. No one is be an outsider, OK? And this is. Similar to visualization. Where you can kind of see something or visualize something. From the outside, it creates distance by having that distance. You are trying. To see how things could be different. Ok, now there is research that the more negative or intense an event is, the more likely we are to replay that event from a first person perspective. However, when the experience is less negative, we tend to adopt the role of an observer. So again, people tend to remember the negative more than the positive, but you can manipulate this and replay these scenes or scenarios as if you were a fly on the wall. Ok. So instead of watching the scene play out in your own eyes or in your own brain, watch yourself in the scene as if you were your spouse or your coworker or watch it from your kid's perspective. They always have a great perspective. And then if we do that, most of the time, we can see what someone else sees and put it in the model because the model helps us do this in even a more systematic and formulaic way. That's why I love it. Ok. All right, number two.

Speaker1: [00:17:48] Embrace routines. So if you are feeling, again, that you can't catch a break, I am going to encourage you to embrace routines so routines can really be an effective way to regain that control or that stability after what you might can have considered a series of bad luck. Ok? They can also help reduce anxiety in staying or maintaining a routine really does give us that sense of control, and they also can make us more resilient from setbacks. So I'm thinking about this over the last month. My day to day has been very different based on my family situation. And one of the things that I have tried to do, sometimes more effectively or successfully than not is to maintain some sort of morning routine because it helps me feel in control. It helps me reduce anxiety. Now in the article, they didn't use the word routine. Ok, so these scientists and researchers were using the word ritual. I kind of find that word ritual a little intimidating and maybe not necessarily friendly, but it does serve the same purpose because, as they point out, rituals. Allow us to come back to something that is comforting and familiar, no matter how out of control our life feels. So think about this the outside world can be buzzing at full speed and there can be confusion and uncertainty. But someone humans, we can take comfort in knowing that there's a ritual if we need it.

Speaker1: [00:19:38] Ok. These researchers actually performed a study where they took students. They asked, they observed students taking a test, the students taking the test that had some type of routine or ritual built into their daily lives performed better on the test and did not experience as much anxiety. The students that had no rituals and were kind of flying by the seat of their pants all the time. They made more errors. So they introduced the ritual and routines to these students without it. And they took the test or a different test again, and it did help them refocus and avoid making mistakes, which was so interesting. So think about this even when we feel like nothing is going our way. These routines can be grounding. They can remind us about the things that are important. Ok, and it's kind of symbolic of action that can't be taken away. Regardless of how bad things may be, OK, so no one was observe, be an outsider, eavesdrop. Ok. On the situation, the second is embrace a routine and the third we're up to number three, number three is accept your negative feelings. Ok. Because. If we're trying to avoid negative emotion completely, that can back backfire. When we push away our negative emotions, when we don't feel them, we are really pushing away something that serves a purpose. We feel the way we feel for a reason. Ok, so I want you to pause and here's my coaching opportunity, I want you to think about something that creates a negative feeling for you.

Speaker1: [00:21:41] So recently, as I mentioned, it was the feeling like nothing is going right or feeling out of control with my mom's recent hospital stay. And if I reflect on that and it's still going on, by the way, oftentimes I try to do my way out of it. I focus on the actions. I try to be productive and I don't allow myself to actually feel the negativity of the situation. So yesterday they were attempting to discharge her from the hospital, and they were all ready to take her to her next rehab location and. Oh sorry, we need to do a COVID test so you can't go today. You can go tomorrow. So I got angry, I thought, didn't you know that she was going to have to do this in order to get into the rehab? Why didn't we do this COVID test earlier in the day? But here's what I did. I paused. I put my hand on my heart. And I sank into my feelings, think about that sinking into your feelings. And when I do that and when I did it yesterday, it actually created a sense of calm. The negative feeling didn't necessarily disappear, but it didn't feel as heavy. Now, I had to take a minute to do that, I had to create the space to do it in the time to do it, which literally was a minute.

Speaker1: [00:23:19] But when I did it. I felt so much better, and I realized, you know what, this is just the world we're living in. So this is to say that negative feelings do have a purpose, they have a function they help us navigate. And you do want to have kind of a repertoire of negative emotions in your brain, otherwise you'd be in trouble and you wouldn't be human. Kind of like when we touch a hot stove, it motivates us to move away from the hot stove, it serves a purpose. Ok. But back to the article. When the negativity becomes toxic, when it persists, it becomes toxic. And we don't want it to get to that point, so the challenge here is to understand how to rein that in so that we don't get stuck. Dr. Cross in this article said the challenge is to understand how to rein that negativity in so we don't get stuck. And it doesn't become toxic. And he went on to say, and I would completely agree with him that part of the challenge is learning to become comfortable with the discomfort of uncertainty. And that's exactly what I did yesterday. So I thought, huh, well, now they're saying she's going to go tomorrow, who knows at this point because she was supposed to go three days ago. So I had to become comfortable with the discomfort of uncertainty.

Speaker1: [00:25:04] Ok. Let's wrap up. So when you're telling yourself, I just can't catch a break, you've got some options. Option number one is to be an outsider, to eavesdrop in on your brain, to pretend that you are someone else looking in on the situation and you've got tools like the model to help you do that in a very formulaic way. But you can do it in a very formulaic way. But what I worked with my clients a lot on. Is having a system for handling or looking at situations so that you can solve for it. And that's where the model comes in. Ok. Number two. Embrace routines. Routines give us a sense of control. They reduce anxiety. They actually help us function better in all parts of life, and that's why we always want. Have you noticed how we always want to have habits? Because we know that if we can form a habit, usually it's going to help us. The good kind and then number three, accept your negative feelings, be OK with having them. Don't avoid them completely. But the trick is catching them. Before they become toxic. Before they get to a point where you become stuck. And sometimes accepting them means pausing, putting your hand on your heart. And really sinking into it and saying to ourselves, of course, I feel this way. That was a trick I learned from coach Danielle Savory.

Speaker1: [00:26:55] Ok. My friends, that's what I have for you today, I hope that was helpful. And remember, if you're listening to this before November 2nd, 2021. Come join me in the free masterclass because you want to be the kind of person that says, I've got this, I've got this, I can do it. And you can register via the website, Andrea Libros Backslash, got this or click the link in the show notes. All right, until next week, my friends remember there's never a better time. Then now. To put on your big girl pants and upgrade or up level your thinking so that you can upgrade your entire life. See you next week. Thanks for listening to the Time to Level Up podcast with me, your host, Andrea Libros. If you know someone who could benefit from listening to this episode, I encourage you to take a screenshot and share it with them. Ok, now what about you? You listen to the podcast, and if you now know that you're ready to upgrade your life, upgrade your business, upgrade you then stop being only a listener and start being a liver living that upgraded life. Head over to my website and schedule a call right there on that call. We'll start changing the way you think and act so that you can have the freedom to achieve the impossible in life and business and have the resources to do it. You deserve an upgrade. Let's do it.