50: How to Regain Control of Your Life When You Can’t Catch a Break

Welcome to the She Thinks Big! Podcast. Get ready to level up your thinking and expand your horizons. I’m your host, Andrea Liebross, your guide on this journey of big ideas and bold moves. I am the best-selling author of She Thinks Big: The Entrepreneurial Woman's Guide to Moving Past the Messy Middle and Into the Extraordinary.

I support women like you with the insights and mindset you need to think bigger and the strategies and systems you need to turn that thinking into action and make it all a reality. Are you ready to stop thinking small and start thinking big? Let’s dive in.

Hello, my friends, and welcome back to She Thinks Big. Today, if you are listening to this podcast on the day it is being released, we are revisiting a topic that couldn't be more timely as we close out this 2024. I am re-releasing this episode on December 31st for a reason.

So many of us head into the new year with hopes of a fresh start, convinced that this is the year everything will finally fall into place, but then, boom, something happens in that very first week. Suddenly you're right back to the mindset of nothing ever changes. Why even bother setting goals or resolutions?

So if you've ever felt like you just can't catch a break, you're not alone. This episode is here to remind you that setbacks don't define the year ahead. They're simply opportunities to pause, to reassess, and to take control of how you respond. I am re-releasing an episode that I've recorded in the past that I titled it previously When You Can't Catch A Break and we're going to talk about how to break free from that cycle of overwhelm and stuck stress so you can step really into the new year with resilience, clarity, and confidence no matter what life throws at you. Sit back, relax, and buckle up. Listen to this episode on how to regain control when you think, “I just can't catch a break.”

Today's topic is one which I have come up with after talking to a lot of prospective clients. When I talk to prospective clients, sometimes one of the things they say is, "I just can't seem to catch a break." In this land of COVID that we're living in, this "I just can't catch a break" is a theme, I think, but it's also a theme in any time in life.

I also read over the Weekend a New York Times article that was titled "What to Do When You Can't Catch a Break," which really made me decide that this is what I needed to record this week. I'm going to share with you both some of my own thinking, and I'm going to intersperse it with some of the thinking from this article that was in The New York Times.

All right, so we've all had one of those weeks when the car breaks down, when potentially you feel like there is trouble at work, when you spill red wine on your expensive jacket, when a family member gets sick. We've all experienced that. Sometimes those weeks can turn into months, or sometimes we think about them, they've been lasting for years and then you start to wonder if the universe is out to get you.

I would say this year or this past 18 months potentially has been one of those weeks on a giant scale. In this article, they actually addressed this and a researcher by the name of Sheldon Solomon said, “The sad truth is that the pandemic and all of the upheaval it's caused is nothing compared to what's going to be happening in the next decade in terms of weather events.”

So I had to stop and giggle a little bit. Usually, my clients are not super worried about weather events unless you live in Louisiana or California where I do have people living there. North Carolina sometimes gets hurricanes, but a lot of times, we are not thinking about this in terms of weather events. But really, when you think about it, think about how those hurricanes keep washing ashore week after week.

All right, but now what do you do about it? This concept of not being able to catch a break is really driven by our primal fears. You know those fears that I call the motivational triad when we want things to be safe, easy, and efficient so we can stay alive. When bad things and especially when those things seem random or meaningless or out of our control, we crave that sense of understanding and ultimately control.

We want to understand, which is part of the reason we talk about it with other people because we want to gain or garner some acknowledgment, some approval, we want someone to commiserate with. Don't we always want people to commiserate with? By confining that commiserating, it helps us kind of, we think, create a sense of understanding and control.

But think about this, if a family member has an illness, and that just recently happened to me with my mom, we figured out or we had some doctor tell us that she had a specific diagnosis and then I went into research mode. I researched treatments. I looked for doctors. I joined some Facebook groups about it. Why did I do that? There are very practical reasons, but there also are reasons where it helped me feel productive, I was doing something about it. It gave me a sense of control over the outcome.

It was serving a purpose in the sense that I wanted to change something outside of me, so to speak, or so I thought, and I wanted to find some way to control what was outside of me. However, even when we think we can be in control, we really can't. Because control, I hate to tell you this, is a feeling and it's kind of an illusion. But when we feel in control, we feel better.

Think about this, go back to that motivational triad, everything we do is because we want to feel a certain way or not feel a certain way. It's very primal. When a series of "I can't catch a break" events, when these unfortunate events, when they seem unrelenting, we lose that sense of control and we find ourselves stuck in the downward spiral, a little tornado, speaking of weather, of negativity.

When we don't know what's going to happen, we can get stuck and we can go into a loop. Then what happens is we start to think that everything is negative or everything is going wrong. We abandon all positivity or all control. What do we do? Again, what do we do? We need a way to process these things. That, my friends, brings me to my favorite tool, the model.

This is tactic number one. If you haven't listened to any of my episodes about the model, I encourage you to download the podcast roadmap, andrealiebross.com/podcast-roadmap, because it will direct you to episodes about that model, my number one tool, which really is a way of processing our negative and positive experiences and it helps us sort through what's happening and what we're feeling in a very, very systematic and formulaic way.

But think about this, not only is the model a formula, it's also driving us and giving us an empowered mind and showing us that we actually have options on what we think. We don't necessarily have to think we can't catch a break. Back to my New York Times article, these researchers went on to do more experiments where they asked people to look at things as if they were an outsider, which I think is kind of the same thing or the same type of tactic as when I ask my clients to eavesdrop in on their own brain or observe their thoughts.

When they did this experiment, some of the subjects were told to remember a certain experience through their own perspective, so they were fully immersing themselves in their negative emotions. While others were told to remember the event objectively using what these researchers called self-distancing, which is really like you imagining the situation as if you were an observer or a friend looking over the situation.

Now, this is like using the model, because when we use the model, it helps us look in or observe as if we were a friend or as if we were an outsider. When we do that, it's really easy to weigh in objectively on a situation without getting sucked in emotionally. But when we're so immersed in the situation, when we're stuck in our own peanut butter jar, when we're zoomed in so tightly, it's really hard to have that big-picture perspective.

Think about it. When your friend shares with you a situation or your spouse shares with you a situation, it's really easy for you to give them the solution. It just seems obvious because you're the outsider, but it's really hard when we are the one in the situation. When we're in the peanut butter jar, we can't read the label, which is really why coaching is such a valuable tool and why using tools like the model is really effective.

Now, recently, I recorded an episode with my client, Beanie Klein. It's actually going to be the episode after this episode 51, but thinking back, okay, the episodes with Veronica Tubbs, which was 47, with Sherry, which was 39, they all brought out the fact or all made the point that looking at their situation from the outside or having someone look at it from the outside made all the difference.

These researchers, just like I've found, found that when people used the self-distancing or observation technique, their stress levels and their physical health improved, and they were better able to solve problems and resolve conflicts. This is like the fact when one spoke of your wheel—and if you haven't listened to episode 47 about the wheel, go listen—when one spoke of your wheel of life is cut short, the whole ride gets really bumpy, and the other spoke start getting worn down, which is why it is hard to have the kind of “I got this” type of belief system, or even to believe that it's possible to upgrade or up level your thinking in general.

Another way to think about this observation technique is when we want to wait. When we are really waiting, when I say, “I'm going to wait and see how it goes,” we are waiting for negativity or stress to pass in one area of our life. We think then once we wait and it passes, only then will we be ready to tackle everything else. How many times have you said, “I'm going to wait to make the decision?” or “I'm going to wait to start this,” because something else that's stressful is going on in your life?

But if we look at life as an outsider, as the observer, we know that when one area cleans up or when the stress goes away from one thing, there's going to be another one waiting in the wings. Really, there is no sense in not addressing any area of life or anything that you're seeking change in right now because if you do and you elevate that area of life, you're only bound to elevate all the rest.

So number one is be an outsider. This is similar to visualization where you can see something or visualize something from the outside. It creates distance. By having that distance, you are trying to see how things could be different. Now, there is research that the more negative or intense an event is, the more likely we are to replay that event from a first-person perspective.

However, when the experience is less negative, we tend to adopt the role of an observer. Again, people tend to remember the negative more than the positive. But you can manipulate this and replay these scenes or scenarios as if you were a fly on the wall. Instead of watching the scene play out in your own eyes or in your own brain, watch yourself in the scene as if you were your spouse or your coworker or watch it from your kid's perspective. They always have a great perspective.

Then if we do that, most of the time we can see what someone else sees and put it in the model because the model helps us do this in even a more systematic and formulaic way. That's why I love it.

All right, number two, embrace routines. If you are feeling again that you can't catch a break, I am going to encourage you to embrace routines. Routines can really be an effective way to regain that control or that stability after what you might consider a series of bad luck. They can also help reduce anxiety. Staying or maintaining a routine really does give us that sense of control and they also can make us more resilient from setbacks.

I'm thinking about this, over the last month, my day-to-day has been very different based on my family situation. One of the things that I have tried to do, sometimes more effectively or successfully than not, is to maintain some sort of morning routine because it helps me feel in control. It helps me reduce anxiety.

Now in the article, they didn't use the word routine. These scientists and researchers were using the word ritual. I find that word ritual a little intimidating and maybe not necessarily friendly, but it does serve the same purpose because as they point out, rituals allow us to come back to something that is comforting and familiar no matter how out of control our life feels.

Think about this. The outside world can be buzzing at full speed and there can be confusion and uncertainty, but someone, humans, we can take comfort in knowing that there's a ritual if we need it. These researchers actually performed a study where they observed students taking a test. The students taking the test that had some type of routine or ritual built into their daily lives performed better on the test and did not experience as much anxiety.

The students that had no rituals and were flying by the seat of their pants all the time, they made more errors. So they introduced the ritual and routines to these students without it and they took the test or a different test again, and it did help them refocus and avoid making mistakes, which was so interesting.

Think about this. Even when we feel like nothing is going our way, these routines can be grounding. They can remind us about the things that are important. It's symbolic of action that can't be taken away regardless of how bad things may be. Number one was observe being outsider, eavesdrop on the situation. Second is embrace a routine.

The third, we're up to number three. Number three is accept your negative feelings, because if we're trying to avoid negative emotions completely, that can backfire. When we push away our negative emotions, when we don't feel them, we are really pushing away something that serves a purpose. We feel the way we feel for a reason.

I want you to pause, and here's my coaching opportunity. I want you to think about something that creates a negative feeling for you. Recently, as I mentioned, it was the feeling like nothing is going right or feeling out of control with my mom's recent hospital stay. If I reflect on that, and it's still going on, by the way, oftentimes I try to do my way out of it. I focus on the actions. I try to be productive and I don't allow myself to actually feel the negativity of the situation.

Yesterday, they were attempting to discharge her from the hospital. They were all ready to take her to her next rehab location, and, “Oh, sorry, we need to do a COVID test. You can't go today. You can go tomorrow.” So I got angry. I thought, “Didn't you know that she was going to have to do this in order to get into the rehab? Why didn't we do this COVID test earlier in the day?”

But here's what I did. I paused, I put my hand on my heart, and I sank into my feelings. Think about that. Sinking into your feelings. When I do that, and when I did it yesterday, it actually created a sense of calm. The negative feeling didn't necessarily disappear, but it didn't feel as heavy.

Now, I had to take a minute to do that. I had to create the space to do it and the time to do it, which literally was a minute. But when I did it, I felt so much better. I realized, you know what? This is just the world we're living in. This is to say that negative feelings do have a purpose. They have a function. They help us navigate.

You do want to have a repertoire of negative emotions in your brain, otherwise, you'd be in trouble and you wouldn't be human. Kinda like when we touch a hot stove, it motivates us to move away from the hot stove. It serves a purpose. But back to the article, when the negativity becomes toxic, when it persists, it becomes toxic. We don't want it to get to that point.

The challenge here is to understand how to rein that in so that we don't get stuck. Dr. Cross in this article that the challenge is to understand how to rein that negativity in so we don't get stuck and it doesn't become toxic. He went on to say, and I would completely agree with him, that part of the challenge is learning to become comfortable with the discomfort of uncertainty.

That's exactly what I did yesterday. I thought, “Huh, well now they're saying she's going to go tomorrow, who knows at this point? Because she was supposed to go three days ago.” I had to become comfortable with the discomfort of uncertainty.

Let's wrap up. When you're telling yourself, “I just can't catch a break,” you've got some options. Option number one is to be an outsider, to eavesdrop in on your brain, to pretend that you are someone else looking in on a situation, and you’ve got tools like the model to help you do that in a very formulaic way, but you can do it in a very unformulaic way. But what I worked with my clients a lot on is having a system for handling or looking at situations so that you can solve for it. That's where the model comes in.

Number two, embrace routines. Routines give us a sense of control, they reduce anxiety, they actually help us function better in all parts of life. Have you noticed how we always want to have habits? Because we know that if we can form a habit, usually it's going to help us, the good kind.

Then number three, accept your negative feelings. Be okay with having them. Don't avoid them completely. But the trick is catching them before they become toxic, before they get to a point where you become stuck. Sometimes accepting them means pausing, putting your hand on your heart, and really sinking into it and saying to ourselves, “Of course, I feel this way.” That was a trick I learned from Coach Danielle Savre.

Okay, my friends, that's what I have for you today. I hope that was helpful. So, I hope today's episode serves as a really powerful reminder that even when the year or when the week doesn't start off as planned, it doesn't mean that you have to throw in the towel. Challenges will come, but they don't have to derail your goals or your dreams. Remember that change or transformation doesn't come from perfect circumstances. It really comes from how you choose to navigate the imperfect, the good, the bad, and the ugly.

If you are ready to start the new year with a clear plan and a mindset that is built for growth, let's connect, whether it's through coaching my mastermind or the insights in She Thinks Big, there are ways to move forward even when things feel stuck. Let's make this year the one where you get to move past the messy middle and into something extraordinary. Happy New Year, my friends. Until next time, keep thinking big.

Thanks for tuning into the She Thinks Big! Podcast. If you're ready to learn the secret to unleashing your full potential, don't forget to grab a copy of my book, She Thinks Big: The Entrepreneurial Woman's Guide to Moving Past the Messy Middle and Into the Extraordinary. It's available on Amazon and at your favorite bookstore.

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