180: Are You Missing Your Goals Because They’re Not Really YOUR Goals?

Welcome to the Time to Level Up Podcast. I'm your host, Andrea Liebross. Each week, I focus on the systems, strategy, and big thinking you need to CEO your business and life to the next level. Are you ready? Let's go.

Hello, my friends, and welcome back to the podcast. This is the third episode in my mom series, and this was inspired by, again, some conversations that I had with my clients on the retreat and also around some of the things that come up in coaching around kids and how kids influence what your goals are, and even how your own parents, husband, or spouse influences what your goals are.

Are they really your goals? Are they their goals? How does it feel when they're not yours? That's what we're going to talk about today. Maybe the whole reason you're not reaching them is because they're not yours and you have them for some other reason. That's our topic for today.

But I just want to check in with you. How was your mother's day? Did you feel like you were surrounded by love, peace, and harmony? Did you feel pampered? Did people even know it was Mother's Day? That was a good, great question.

All right. What I want to talk about today is what I call the Santa sack, the goal heaviness. Jody Moore, who I follow, talks a lot about this and I find that it is something that comes up over and over when I'm coaching my clients.

What I mean by this goal heaviness or the Santa sack is it says, if you have this big Santa sack over your shoulder and you're carrying your goals around in that sack and it is weighing you down, or it's like you have one of those backpacks that maybe your kids have in high school, probably not anymore because no one has books, but how you might have had it in high school where the books weigh a million pounds and you're just carrying it down. Like you always have to feel like you're studying.

So when this happens, sometimes I feel like we don't reach the goal. But here's the interesting part, when I'm coaching someone and they tell me their goal, I always think their goal is great, 99% of the time. The goal that they've set is great.

They might tell me, “I want to go from $500,000 in my business to a million in revenue.” “Great,” I would say. Or they might say, “I want to keep my revenue the same, but I want to work three days a week and not five.” “Perfect, great, I'm all in, let's do it.” Or they might say, “I want to hire more people to work the back end of my business, the admin part, so I can be more front-facing.” “Awesome. Yes. Let's do it.”

Or they might say, "I want to really taper off what I'm doing and shift into something else." This just happened with a Vision to Action Intensive client the other day. She wants to taper off what she's doing and turn the dial a little bit, do something related, but not exactly the same. Great.

Whatever the goal is that you want to set, this really isn't necessarily about the goal itself, because what it's really about, what's behind all those goals is the why and your excitement around it.

When I ask you how you feel about your goal, what I really want you to say is, “I'm excited about it, but it's also a little scary. I am not sure I'm going to be able to do it.” Remember the risky and exciting part of SMARTER Goals? It needs to have a combo of both.

It needs to be so exciting that you want to jump out of bed and work at it. But it also needs to feel a little bit impossible. If that's the case, then we have the right goal. But this isn't always the case.

A lot of the times, when I'm doing a Vision to Action and I get people to explore their goal, go a little deeper on it, give them permission to big think—and I talked a little bit about this in Episode 178—if it makes them feel a little excited and risky, and they're willing to work at it no matter what time, money, or what anyone else thinks, this is often a breakthrough moment because they've never gone that deep. I can see them light up.

But what also sometimes happens is that when we go deeper on the goal, does this excite you? Does it feel a little risky? Do you want to jump up and work on it every morning? I often see this happen, “Hey, why do you want to go from $500,000 to a million in your business?”

They might say, “Well, I want to make my parents proud of me finally. I just know that they would be so proud of me if I got to that revenue goal. They've always supported me. They've always believed in me. They don't really understand what I do. But if I got to this goal, it would make them feel so proud. I want to do that. I want to make them feel proud of me.”

Or they might say, my client might say something like, “I just want to prove that I can be as successful as my sibling.” Or “I want to make my husband proud or spouse proud.” All of those proud things, whoof, it's like you're carrying around a big goal to make someone else proud. If that's the case, that Santa sack is extra heavy and we've got some deeper issues.

We've got some things that have nothing to do with the million dollars. They have to do with deeper issues. This might not be really the work of a coach. A coach might not be the right person to help you get through this. This might be time for you to talk to a therapist or a counselor.

Go listen to my podcast on whether or not you need a therapist or a counselor. There's a couple of them. Because this goal isn't about you, it doesn't actually even excite you. You think it's going to excite someone else if you get there.

Remember, we're also relying on someone else's opinion. You could get to this goal and who knows, they might not be proud of you. That feels heavy. We can't control what other people think, right? So I don't want you to have a heavy reason for a goal. I don't want you to have a Santa sack.

Think about Simon Sinek. Google him, if you have never Googled him, he's got a whole thing on knowing your why. I believe that knowing your why is superdy duper important. If you know your why, then you're going to be more likely to work through the failures, the challenges, the difficulties.

But if that why is to make someone else proud, that why is not compelling enough. Not compelling enough because maybe you'll achieve your goal and that'll be great, but along the way of achieving it, you're going to have some things that aren't working out so well.

Remember the 25 fails that I talked about in a previous episode when I'm talking about WILD goals? the W stands for willing to suck at it. If you are willing to suck at it, you are going to have some fails along the way.

If this goal is not yours and you're doing it for someone else, then when you have the setbacks, the challenges, the disappointments, they're going to become heavy as well. You're going to get yourself into a funk. It is going to slow you down. It's going to frustrate you. It's going to defeat you.

When we're feeling defeated, frustrated, or down, when we're feeling in a funk, guess what happens? We do less. We want to take a nap. We decide to empty the dishwasher. If we're not doing that, and we are working, then it's like a slog. You're in mud. You're not really at your best.

Client story, someone actually messaged me over the weekend and said, "I don't know what's going on with me this whole month. I seem to be in a funk. I just can't get my act together."

I really honestly think it is because her goal has nothing to do with what she wants. It's what she thinks she should do. It's a good opportunity but it is not what she wants to do. She fears also that if she gave up on it and she switched her goal, people would not be proud of her, that they might even see her as a failure. Especially she thinks that her husband might be disappointed and not proud. We had a little chat about that.

Let me tell you also about some other reasons that can put goals in the Santa sack. I hear people say things like, “I just want to prove to myself that I can do it. I'm not a quitter. I don't fail. I'm a hard worker. I see things through.” You're doing this to prove this to yourself, that's a heavy reason, my friends. That's a heavy reason.

Remember, the I in WILD goals, the I stands for Ignite and Impossible. If you get excited and lit up when something doesn't work along the way, or it doesn't work out the first time, you're going to keep going, you're going to have the ability to just say, "That's okay. That's fine. Let's give it a go again."

But when I hear this, "I want to prove to myself" thing, I often say, "Why do you need to prove something to yourself? What exactly are you trying to prove? What is that really about? Do you think you're not good enough, you're not smart enough, you're not worthy of doing whatever you're doing, you're not a good person? If that's the case, then all of that makes me nervous because, number one, you are not getting ignited by this goal, and number two, you are not really willing to suck at it."

So I always say, “Well, let's just decide right now that you're good enough, that you're smart enough, and that you are worthy enough because you were born 100% worthy and you also are worthy of doing what you're doing. Your business idea, service is worthy.”

But yet, you still feel like you are a mess. I have a client whose business is called Hot Mess Counseling. You're a hot mess, and that's okay too. You can decide to be proud of yourself right now, even if you are a hot mess, even if you've never done this before.

You can decide that you're worthy right now. You can decide that there's no such thing as failing. All of that is way, way, way more useful to getting towards the goal than having the goal exist because you want to prove to yourself that you can do it.

I want you to switch from trying to prove it to yourself to believing that you can do it. Believe you can do it right now. That's the way you're going to achieve it. That's your job to work on approving yourself right now without proving it externally.

This is the epitome of a belief plan. Working on approving of yourself and your goal right now without proving it externally. That is the epitome of a belief plan. Go listen to the belief plan podcasts.

Let's try this right now together. I want you to ask yourself or tell yourself, “Hey, self, listen up. Don't question whether or not you're amazing, you are amazing. Yes, you don't always know the answer. You probably have some challenges, struggles, and weaknesses, and that's okay. I love you anyway. I've got you. I'm proud of you. I'm here for you. Let's do this together. Thanks for continuing to try. Thanks for going after it day after day. Thanks for doing your best today. You know what? Even if you didn't do your best today, give yourself another chance tomorrow. Because tomorrow might be better. Let's do it again.”

Hey, self, what do you need to keep going? To see how that's so much more effective, that's more of a healthy relationship with yourself than having a heavy goal, doubting, and doing things because you want to make yourself proud or your parents proud, don't use a goal to try to strengthen a relationship with yourself.

When I do this, I'll feel so much better. No, let's feel better right now. If you say, “When I do this, I'll feel so much better,” you're trying to use achieving the goal as a relationship strengthener with yourself and even with other people.

All right, here's another one I hear sometimes when I ask someone, “Tell me the why around your goal,” “I want to set a really good example for my kids.” This is why this is in this Mother's Day series here.

I mean, I hear women say, “I want to be the best example for my kids. I want to show them what's possible. I want them to see what their mom could do.” Ugh, that feels like a Santa sack, because we don't know, we certainly don't know what our kids are going to think of anything.

Now, I am all about showing my kids what's possible and giving them good examples of who I think they could be or want to be in the world. That's totally important but we have no idea what your kids are going to think when you achieve your goal. They may think, "Oh, I wish she wasn't working on that so much and she was home watching TV with me." “I wish she didn't travel as much. I wish she didn't pay so much attention to to her business.”

I mean, we don't know what the kids are going to say. It makes me a little nervous when someone says, “I'm doing this for my kids. I want to make my kids' lives better. I want to be an example for them.” That feels like it is heavy and it's in the Santa sack.

Another thing in the Santa sack, when we make the goal around money, when we put pressure on ourselves around money and reaching the goal to make a certain amount of money, I want you to make money in your business, believe me, and I know you can make money. I know you can have a business that supports your family and supports your lifestyle. I've seen this happen.

I have evidence that it is possible. But making the why only about money, putting money pressure on your business, no, my friends, that's not going to work. If you're doing this because you want to go on some exotic vacation, buy a second home, or a better car, I mean, I don't think that is going to do it. I don't think that's going to do it. That's not going to be enough when the going gets hard.

Also, when I see people starting out businesses, they're putting pressure on themselves immediately to start making money, enough money that they can give to their family, no, you have to give yourself a grace period. I think it takes three years on average to start being profitable.

So none of that is going to work. That's all going to feel Santa sack-ish. Go take a part-time job as you're starting your business so that you do have some income coming in if you want to give that to your family.

Or put it towards your business. If you put it towards your business, it takes money to make money. If you want to go take a part-time job because you don't want to put that pressure on your business that you don't have yet up and running like a well-oiled machine or your business hasn't figured out who their ideal customer or client is, how to find them, or how to make them clients or customers, don't put that pressure on your business because you're going, it's going to slow you down.

It's going to slow you down. It's going to be tough to stay motivated. It's going to be tough to generate ideas and it's going to be super crushing and stressful when it doesn't happen.

I want to you a little story about when I used to work at this company that I describe in the intro of my book, where my why for that job was to help other women grow successful businesses and to have fun doing it.

But what was happening as I describe in that intro was that that was all getting squashed by the heaviness of what the corporate people wanted me to do. Their whys were too heavy, which led me to thinking small, staying in a little box, and all of my big thinking and my excitement around the goal was squashed, and that's why I got out.

They would say things like, "Oh, no, we got to stay safe. We can't do that." Or, "Hmm. I don't know. Never tried that before. I don't think we should." The goal became heavy, and that's why I left.

Because you guys have probably heard me say, “I am all about trying to make things simple, doable, and fun.” For me, I use that kind of thinking when I'm trying to figure out what I want to accomplish in the next 90 days. In a Vision to Action Intensive, one of the parts is we figure out what do you want to do this quarter?

This simple, doable, and fun thing comes up. Simple, doable, and fun was not happening at that old job I had that I left. But simple, doable, and fun comes into play when we're thinking about things in a 90-day period of time, and you're thinking about, "All right, I think I'm capable of doing this in 90 days, and if I really stay focused, I think I can accomplish this, or I'm willing to figure it out, I'm willing to use some resources if it starts to get too hard or if I don't hit the goal, that’s okay. I can keep going and I'm going to get a lot further if I'm aiming for something to be fun, simple, and doable than heavy.”

Shifting to this kind of thinking really eliminates the heavy. If you can shift into this, “How do I make it simple, doable, and fun?” you're going to continue to come up with amazing ways to make it happen versus “I'm doing all these things in the next 90 days because I want to make someone proud, I want to give my kids an example, or I want to make sure that I earn X number of dollars.”

Because if we don't hit the goal, or we don't accomplish what we want to accomplish in 90 days, it's just not going to be fun. Moral of the story, my friends, empty the Santa sack. Don't carry around a Santa sack. Lighten up your goals.

Don't make them easy. I never use the word easy in here, but lighten them up. Make them about you because you see yourself becoming a different version of yourself by working on the goals.

Make them about you because you see yourself being even a better mom when you're working towards goals. Make them about you learning new things, exploring new options, realizing what's possible for yourself.

These goals don't need to be heavy. You don't need a Santa sack. I promise you, if you can shift into that kind of thinking, you are going to be thrilled and amazed by how much more you can actually accomplish, by how much more you're capable of.

Shift, empty the Santa sack, figure out your why, and make it a why that is going to continue to help drive you, not tie you down. All right. Tell me how this goes. I want to hear it. Send me a direct message on Instagram, that's in one way, or send me a message on LinkedIn or go to andreaslinks.com and schedule a complimentary call.

If you want to talk about how to make your goals lighter, if this sounds like something, “Oh my gosh, I totally need this,” schedule yourself a complimentary call. You've got nothing to lose. You can do that by going to andreaslinks.com.

If you haven't gotten a copy of She Thinks Big, head to Amazon or your favorite bookseller and especially read that intersection where I talk about why I left that old job. The goals were just too heavy, lighten up. All right, my friends, I'll see you next time. Remember, keep thinking big. You are someone that is a big thinker, big thinkers they level up, and now's the time. See you soon.

Hey, listening to podcasts is great. But you also have to do something to kick your business up a notch. You need to take some action, right? So go to andreaslinks.com and take the quiz. I guarantee you'll walk away knowing exactly what your next best step is to level up.