79: Communicating with Confidence

Episode 79-Confident Communication.mp3

Speaker1: [00:00:09] You're listening to the Time to Level Up podcast. I'm your host business life coach, Andrea Libros. I help women in business commit to their own growth personally and professionally. Each week, I'll bring you strategies to help you think clearly. Gain confidence. Make your time productive. Turn every obstacle into an opportunity. And finally overcome the overwhelm so that you can make money and manage life. Let's create a plan so you have a profitable business, successful career, and best of all, live with unapologetic ambition. Are you ready to drop the drama and figure out the how in order to reach your goals? You're in the right place. It's time to level up. Let's do this. Hello my friends and welcome back to the podcast. How are you today? How are you this morning? I am recording this at a time when I don't think I have ever recorded a podcast 6:59 a.m. on a monday morning, but this week has a lot of moving parts. My daughter graduates next weekend. We've got family coming into town. And I just know that I'm wanted to get this podcast out to you before we got the week started. So I prepped for it last night and I am ready to go this morning. I am ready to talk about confident communication. We've been talking about confidence all month. We have not specifically dealt with confident communication. So it is time. I'm excited about this topic because it comes up all the time.

Speaker1: [00:02:03] How do we confidently communicate with our spouse and tell them what we really are thinking? How do we confidently communicate with our coworkers, our boss, a prospective client? All of it. How do we confidently communicate with our neighbor? Right. How do we not hurt their feelings? How do we give feedback or dove into all of this today? But I want to remind you, as the end of the month approaches, that the last day to apply for committed to growth, if you want to start in the month of June, is the last Thursday in the month of May. The last day to apply is Thursday, May 26. If you're listening to this in real time. If you want to get started inside. Committed to growth in June. So be confident. Just fill out the application. You've got nothing to lose. Nothing to lose and everything to gain in your brain probably wants to keep you safe. That little voice in the back of your head that we've talked about this month, it's it always tells you things to keep you safe, make things easy for you, and most efficiently use your time. So when you add something new into your life or you're considering adding something new into your life, it pops up and says, Do you really want to do that? It might be difficult. It might be a little uncomfortable. It's going to take time and it tries to protect you. But you're smarter than that now.

Speaker1: [00:03:40] You're smarter than that. You know you're onto yourself. So go to that future you and ask the future you who has found the support they need, who is inside, committed to growth, what to do right now, if you want to start with us next month, you have until the last Thursday of this month to apply. So overpower that little voice in the back of your head. And say, thanks so much for the advice, but I'm going to go investigate this and do it. All right. So let's dig into today's topic. When we're having a conversation, there's what I say. What I mean by what I say. What you hear and what you make that mean. These can be four different things. So there's what I say, what I mean by what I say, what you hear and what you make that mean. Four different things. And I think oftentimes there is some, quote unquote miscommunication because what you mean by what you say is not what the other person heard or made it mean. So we're going to go through each of these four things and we'll give you a couple of examples. So recently I had a friend driving into Indianapolis to meet me for and she was going to just be driving through. And she sent a text and said, Hey, I wasn't sure if I should have dinner for you. I sent the text. I said, Hey, I wasn't sure if I should have dinner for you.

Speaker1: [00:05:30] Let me know if you've already had dinner. And she replied, I'll eat something. So what she meant to say, I found out later, was, I am super hungry. Yes, I will eat something. But what I heard her say was, Well, if you've got something there, I'll eat. I'll eat a little bit, don't worry, because I've already eaten. So when she got here. Well, guess what? I didn't have anything super great. And she was hungry. Little miscommunication, right? So how do you avoid this, especially with all types of communication, even in emails, this can happen and even in our words that come out of our mouth, this can happen. Oc Can you avoid there being miscommunication by being more confident in what you say? Oftentimes in a work setting, we might hear, hey, can you summarize your to dos from here so we can make sure we're all on the same page, right? Like at the end of a meeting, someone says, okay, will you summarize what you're going to do from here to make sure that we're we're leaving understanding what each other is in charge of? So I want you to know that when you're having a conversation with people at work, that a lot of times people will come back to you and say. What you said was. And what they're really telling you is the way that I interpreted what you said and what I made it mean was. And if you understand that, then it's going to help you prevent a lot of conflict because people will come to you and say, well, you said to do this and now you're smart enough to say, Wait, what? I never said to do that, but they made it mean.

Speaker1: [00:07:32] Whatever you said, they made it mean that you wanted them to do it. So you might in this situation, you might say, but you did say it. They might say, you did say it and then you get into an argument. But now, since you're smarter, when they come to you and say you said this, you can say to yourself, Oh, that's what they heard me say. That's not what I meant. And that's how they interpreted it. That's not what I meant, but that's how they interpret it. And so knowing that there's what you meant and there's what they meant, which is an interpretation, and that neither of you are wrong, that sets up a much better conversation then you feeling like someone's accusing you of saying something you never said, or you accusing them of saying something or interpreting something or lying about what you said, which doesn't serve anything. Sometimes this will happen in relationships where I'll say, I'm just really sad because you keep coming home from work late. This used to happen to me all the time when my kids were little, but I never said that to my husband. Let's just say I did.

Speaker1: [00:09:07] However, let's just say I did say, hey, I'm very sad because you keep coming home from work late. And what I could mean by this is I just miss you. I haven't been seeing you that much, and I love you. And I just want you to know that you staying late at work matters and I miss you. I never said that people. And it would have been so much easier because what he might say is, well, what I'm hearing you say is that I should come home earlier and then I'm being disrespectful and I'm not taking good care of you and. I could have said no. That's not what I meant to say. That's not how I wanted you to interpret that. And a lot of times what we'll do is we'll say stuff and we'll want them to interpret it in a certain way. So we'll say, oh, no, oh, no, it's it's fine if you don't buy me a gift on Valentine's Day. But what you're really meaning is, what the hell is wrong with you? You better get me a dozen roses. Okay. So. There are they were just a couple examples there I shared with you of miscommunication. There's, you know, the example of husband coming home late from work or not purchasing a gift on a holiday. There was the example of at work, when you say, can you sum up what we just talked about or what's what you're going to do from here on out? There could be miscommunication there and then there can be miscommunication with a friend when they say, hey, I'll eat something.

Speaker1: [00:10:48] Okay. Those are all three examples of miscommunication. So how do we solve all this miscommunication? All of this what I said, what I meant, what you heard and what you made it mean is just really easily solved by being super clear in what you're actually meaning to say and saying what you mean in as specific words as possible and then verifying them. Verifying the words that they heard and verifying what they thought you meant to say. Okay. So really understanding that there are those four things is key. Now, the second thing I want you to think about and I want to talk about is this idea of telling the truth. I'm just telling you my truth. Right. So I was working with a client and she was telling me that her husband is always saying, I'm just telling you my truth, this is my truth. And that somehow if we say that, then it entitles us to say whatever we want to say to anyone because we are saying it's our truth. If I say something that's derogatory or something that can be interpreted as hurtful and I just say That's my truth, that does not give me license to say that thing, because that's what I'm thinking. It just doesn't work that way. So this whole thing about I'm just telling you my truth.

Speaker1: [00:12:24] I don't think it gives you carte blanche or free will to say anything. You want to say that? Does not help in confident communication. Okay. Now, the third thing I want to talk about in terms of confidence communication is feedback when you're giving someone feedback. There's so many different ways in which this can be done. So if you're giving someone feedback and it's an employee who works for you or it can be in a relationship or with your kids, it can be someone you're doing business with anyone. One of the things that I've found is that feedback is not necessarily an opinion that you want to share. And here's what I mean by that. Let's use the example of an employee. You have an employee or a contractor working for you or someone you've employed, and they do something that you don't like or they do something that doesn't produce the result that you've hired them to do. This literally just happened last week. A client called me and said, Hey, I got a report that my employee did not act appropriately with a client. The client called me and was furious. So I think there's a couple of ways that you can be confident in your communication with this employee and give that feedback. You can basically say. I don't like what you did. And here's why. And that's going to give you one result. And you can test whether you should be giving feedback by how you feel.

Speaker1: [00:14:10] So if I'm feeling upset or angry, I'm going to give feedback in a certain tone and I'm going to say it in a certain way to indulge my negative emotion. And I'm going to want to react from that negative emotion. And what I've found is that really this is not a very effective way to give feedback. So if that client of mine had immediately gotten off the phone with me and turned around and called her employee, I don't think it would go so well. In fact, I think if she had done that, it would have been a very indulgent way to give feedback because it really all it was doing was releasing some of the negative emotion that you're feeling by kind of spewing it on the other person, which is a way that some of us buffer instead of managing our emotions. So spewing your emotion on someone in the quote unquote form of feedback under the guise of feedback is really you buffering instead of you managing your emotions. So I am speaking of people also that obviously are not me. I would never do such a thing. But here's what I've found, that when I can clean up my own emotional opinions in my own emotional thoughts about something. Feedback is always better when I give it in a way where I am taking responsibility for the end result and I'm offering a solution. All right. So I'm going to say that again, where I'm taking responsibility for the end result and I'm offering a solution.

Speaker1: [00:15:48] So, for example, if I have an employee who has done something for me and I don't like the results, I can back up and I can say, okay, how did we end up with this result? How is it my responsibility that we ended up with something that isn't acceptable to me? I can always find where I haven't given maybe the correct direction or I haven't been clear enough, or I haven't known exactly what I wanted. And that's where I end up with the negative result I don't want. Or in this case, maybe this really wasn't the right person to send out on the job. So I am taking responsibility back and what I find is when I give what I call feedforward instead of feedback, I give feed for it. I say, Hey, this isn't what I want, but here's what I do want. Here's the solution and here's how we're going to fix it. It's so much more effective for everyone because if instead of dwelling in, you're not good enough, you didn't do this right. And the other person interpreting that as they're not worthy and they're not capable in going through all of that drama in their own head, I could just be like, Hey, you weren't quite ready to do that yet, or, Hey, we're not quite there yet with this project. Here's the result I want.

Speaker1: [00:17:18] Here are the changes you need to make, and here's what I want more of. It's so much better. Okay, the next thing I want to talk about here in our confident communication discussion is saying, I'm sorry. Saying I'm sorry is really just a beautiful opportunity when somebody is upset with you or somebody is giving you feedback or someone wants you to change or something's telling you their truth. Someone's telling you, quote unquote their truth. That is not the time for you to teach them how to communicate. It's not the time to offer them a podcast to listen to. It's always, I think, appropriate when someone's upset to offer an apology. And you know why? Because apologies are so easy. Even if the person is confused. Okay. Even if. The person doesn't really understand where they've gone wrong. If you offer an apology, it's the opposite of being defensive and it opens up communication instead of shutting it down. So when someone's coming at you and they're saying, you did this and you did this and you did that, you say, Och, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Now in your mind. You know what? You know what you're saying. I'm sorry. You're thinking that way. I'm sorry you're feeling that way. You don't have to say I'm sorry for doing that because your intention wasn't to do it in that certain way, if that's the case. So I really want to encourage you to apologize and take responsibility for all of it.

Speaker1: [00:19:07] Because as soon as you take responsibility for all of it, then you have power within it. You have power to change it. I'm sorry you're thinking that way. I'm sorry you're feeling that way. That's what you're thinking in your mind. All right. You don't have to say. I'm sorry for doing it because your intention wasn't to do it in that certain way, if that's the case. But if you can just make a huge blanket statement. I'm sorry. Then you're taking responsibility for it. You have power within it. You have power to change it. All right, in the last thing I want to offer you is how to be confident. Literally when you are communicating. Okay. A lot of people have asked me, how do you present in a confident way? How do you speak in a confident way? And it's not complicated, my friends. Confident communication comes from feeling confident. And we've done a lot of talking about this this month. Feeling confident comes from your thinking. So if you're noticing that you're going into situations and you're not communicating confidently, it's most likely because you're not feeling confident, because you're not managing your thoughts. And I want to tell you that when you manage your mind and you believe. That what you're seeing is important. You're going to feel confident. When you believe that what you're saying is true and it is useful and it is helpful, you're going to feel confident.

Speaker1: [00:20:51] Any time you're going into a situation where you feel like you have to defend yourself against some villain or you have to stand up for yourself or anything like that. Most of that comes from a place of insecurity. When you're in a meeting and you want to offer an opinion, if you're not feeling confident, it's because you're way too focused on how you're going to be perceived or how someone's going to think of you rather than offering value to the conversation. And I think one of the best ways to be confident about your communication is to separate out what you say from who you are. Allowing your communication to be misinterpreted or to be wrong is what will provide you with confidence. There's that vulnerability piece that we were talking about last week. It's kind of ironic, isn't it? Because a lot of times we think in order to be confident, we have to know that what we're saying is the right thing. And what I've found is that confidence comes from being able to say the wrong thing and being okay with it. That's where true confidence comes from. So the way to be confident in your communication is to ask yourself, How am I feeling when I'm saying this and why am I saying it? And if the answer is I'm feeling negative emotion. And the reason I'm saying it is to indulge in my negative emotion, then you can clean that up.

Speaker1: [00:22:26] If what you're saying is coming from a place of insecurity, it's coming from a place of doubt. It's because of the way you're thinking about it. And you can go back in your mind and you can clean up your thinking. So that you can say it in a positive way. And remember, the only truth is the truth that you decide to believe. So when you're expressing your truth, make sure you have put it through your own filter that you've decided on purpose, that that's what you want your truth to be. And that's the truth that you want to say out loud. Because remember, there's what you say. There's what you mean. There's what they hear. There's what they make it mean. Do your best to make sure that what you're making it mean is exactly what you mean. And doing that by clarifying, communicating clearly, and then checking with them and making sure that they repeat what they've heard when it's super important information. Okay, my friends. So aside from those four things, what you say you mean by what you say, what they hear or what they make it mean, those four different things. Remember also this idea of telling your truth. It's not a good one. And remember too, that feedback is not nearly as effective as feed forward and remember take responsibility for everything. I'm sorry is really easy to say. It's really easy to say and be confident in your communication. Okay.

Speaker1: [00:24:15] That's what I have for you this week. We are always talking about confidence inside committed to growth. We're also going to be talking about decision making in the coming weeks. So if you want to be part of this, if you want to ten x your learning, if you want to give yourself the support. That is required to create change in your own life if you want to be part of something bigger than just you alone. If you want to understand what the common paths or journeys that other women are going on, that you're going on to, that you can go on without feeling alone. If you want to understand that your problems are really just variations of everyone else's and figure out how to handle them, then I invite you to start with us and committed to growth. And if you want to get started, if you're listening to this in real time, if you want to get started in the month of June, the last day to apply. Is the last Thursday of the month, May 26th. The last Thursday of the month is the last day to apply when you want to get started the following month. What are you waiting for? What are you waiting for? I had someone last week tell me they were waiting to find out whether or not they were going to lose their job. And I had to giggle to myself because we had just spent 2 hours talking about how she wanted a new job.

Speaker1: [00:26:00] Whether or not she lost this one or not. But her brain was offering her up the safety of. No, not yet. Let's find out whether or not you lose your job. And if you lose it, then we won't do this. And if you keep it, we will. Think about that. Does that sound logical? Let's get started. Let's get started. I am ready to support you inside the container of committed to growth and i would love to have you go to w-w-what andrea libra's dot.com backslash apply to get started. I will see you next week, my friends. Remember? It's always the best time. Right now is always the best time to level up your thinking. See you soon. Thanks for listening to the Time to Level Up podcast with me, your host, Andrea Libros. If you know someone who could benefit from listening to this episode, I encourage you to take a screenshot and share it with them. Okay, now what about you? You've listened to the podcast and if you now know that you're ready to upgrade your life, upgrade your business, upgrade you, then stop being only a listener and start being a liver. Living that upgraded life. Head over to my website and schedule a call right there on that call. We'll start changing the way you think and act so that you can have the freedom to achieve the impossible in life and business and have the resources to do it. You deserve an upgrade. Let's do it.